My Sweet "Little Dude"

Up until 12/18/10 I hadn't had to deal with anything that I would classify as overly difficult. Sure I've had my share of crappy things to deal with and I've dealt with my share of stress. I also complain about not having enough money quite a bit. I complain about a lot of things that really don't matter. Yeah, we need money to survive in this country but I almost always figure things out and for that I am blessed. I've lost a couple of loved ones but never someone who was such a big part of my life. For that I am blessed. I've always known of the phrase "you don't know what you've got til you lose it." Thank you Phil Collins. I know he's not the person who coined that phrase but he made it famous. I didn't really appreciate that sentiment until 12/18/10. The day I lost one of "my littles" (as in one of my little dogs). Jack was a dog we mainly bought to be a companion to Mattie. Josh and I both worked at the time we got Mattie and we felt bad that she was by herself all day when we were at work. So, another Shih-tzu was my only specification. I love Shih-tzus so much. I have even told some people that I'm not a dog person, I'm a shih-tzu person. Jack was a sweet boy from the beginning. He was always happy to see us and so loving. He was also a pleaser (for the most part) and so it was easy to get him to mind us. The same can't be said of my spoiled rotten Mattie. He became a part of our family and for the next 7 years we were blessed with his presence. Before 12/18/10 we had 4 dogs (2 outdoor, 2 indoor). Jack was the youngest at 7 years old. Sarah (one of the outdoor dogs) is our oldest and about 10 or 11. I naively thought she would probably be the first to go. I actually thought Jack would be the one dog still hanging around after the other 3 passed. He seemed so healthy and he was,after all,the youngest. But that mindset changed drastically on 12/17/10. The day started out like any other. Feed the kids,change some diapers,take the dogs out. For the past few months Jack's behavior had been a little off (he'd wander up the street more often, he'd be a little more disobedient at times, and just do things that weren't Jack like). But I didn't give it much thought because it wasn't overly alarming. Anyway, on that Friday he wandered up the street. It had been a few weeks since he had done this so I went back to punishing him by putting him in his kennel for a time out. When I went to let him out he squalled as he was coming out. Mattie has had hip problems for years and sometimes it acts up and she gets a little extra limpy and if you touch her in that area she will yelp and squall. In the past year, Jack had done this from time to time as well. I just chalked it up to hip problems (Shih-tzus are prone to hip dysplasia). So, when he did this I didn't think much of it. Now looking back at these incidents I realize he never limped. So, it must have been something else bothering him. Anyway, within the next hr or so Jack laid around as usual and the day progressed as any other day. Then I accidentally bumped into his sensitive area and he proceeded to squall like crazy as he walked away. I was beginning to get a little concerned because he didn't usually carry on quite so badly in the past. So a little more time had passed and Jack made his way under Emily's table in the living room. A little while later Emily accidentally bumped him like I had earlier and so Jack squalled and ran away from her. A couple of minutes later I looked behind me to find Jack in our shoe basket. I found that to be really strange. He was struggling to maneuver his way out of it. He finally did and I looked away for a minute and then heard a scuffling in the bathroom. I thought it was Josh at first (he was supposed to be sleeping off a very long shift at work) but I soon realized it was Jack trying to make his way into our bathtub. He was in there to get away from us. It was then that I was beginning to think that something was seriously wrong with him. At that moment I decided to wait until Josh got up so he could assist me in examining the area of Jack's back that seemed to be bothering him. I didn't want to try to do this by myself because I honestly thought he might bite me. I thought 2 people might be able to manage it better. Anyway, after I got him out of the bathtub I decided to let he and Mattie out to do their business. I was then going to put Jack in our bedroom with Josh so we wouldn't bump into him anymore. I wasn't sure if he would even go outside. Boy was I wrong. Jack went from being frozen by the bathroom door to bolting out the front in seconds. I went outside with them (something I don't usually do) because he had wandered up the street earlier that day. As soon as Jack got out of the door he bolted into our neighbor's yard. I went yelling and chasing after him. He disappeared from my sight. I then caught sight of him running across the street into another neighbor's yard. By the time I got there, I could no longer see him. It was at that moment I had an overwhelming feeling that I would never see him alive again. He had never run away before and so I knew something must be seriously wrong. In spite of my feelings, I rode around the neighborhood looking for him a few times. Since I was almost certain he would not return to us alive I hoped that he would either be taken in by a nice family (if he wasn't going somewhere to die) or if he was going to die somewhere that he would go peacefully. The next day he was still missing. I kept thinking that he must have known he was dying and so he ran away to die somewhere alone. But I really wanted to know what happened to him so we could bury him here where he belongs. I got my wish around 12pm that day when my next door neighbor rang my doorbell. He delivered the news I knew was coming. He had discovered Jack lying on the side of the road on his way home. He asked me if I wanted to go get him while he and his wife watched the kids or if I wanted them to go get him. Honestly, I didn't want to go get him. I had never seen one of my pets dead and I also didn't know what state his body was in. I was scared. It was at this time that Josh called from work. I told him I didn't know what to do. He told me to get some gloves and go get him. After I hung up, my neighbor again offered to get him. I took him up on that offer. He and his wife took a box to put his body in and placed it in the front of our house. I couldn't bring myself to look inside that box. Josh left work early and he later told me he cried all the way home. When he got home he began the very sad task of digging a hole to place our "little dude" in. His final resting place. Before placing him inside his grave I asked Josh if he looked in the box to make sure it was him (I knew it was but I just needed to be sure). Josh said it was and he advised me not to look inside that box. He apparently had been hit by a car (I wasn't sure since I thought he might have died without any assistance from outside forces). I asked no further questions and proceeded to continue with my crying binge (I had been crying pretty much since 12pm). It hurt even worse to know he had been struck by a car. The guilt of not being able to keep up with him a day earlier intensified at this news. Today I found out that he went quickly judging by the severity and location of his injuries. I felt so terrible when hearing this but Josh reminded me that that meant he went quickly and that was merciful. If he did go somewhere to die it could have taken a while and so at least he didn't have to suffer for too long. But the image of him being hit and lying dead on the side of the road haunts me. Even though I wasn't there and I never looked at his body. I feel that he deserved to die at home where he was safe and loved. I know he deserved that. So, now I have lost someone who was a big part of my life. He was always there. He loved his Mattie and he loved us. He was one half of a pair. Mattie and Jack...it's like peanut butter and jelly to me. One without the other just doesn't seem right. He was great with Emily and we'd make him stay in her room at night to comfort her at times. She loved trapping him in her room and playing with him. I don't think he was overly keen on it but he put up with it. That is a good dog. When some sausage that I was cooking last night fell to the floor, I thought Mattie is going to be happy because now she is the only dog that gets the scraps. It made me sad. Coming home to be greeted by just Mattie made me sad. Looking at the blanket he slept on at night laying on our bedroom floor makes me sad. For 7 years he was a part of our family and now he is gone. Thinking of his broken body laying in a cardboard box in our backyard makes me sad. Though I am glad he is in our backyard and not lost somewhere out there. Through all of this I have learned a few valuable lessons. One is that life can change in a heartbeat. Jack gave us no indication until the day he disappeared that something was wrong. Just three days ago he was with us and being his normal lazy happy self. Another thing I learned is the aforementioned "you don't know what you've got til you lose it." Jack and I didn't always get along. Though he was overall a great dog, he did have his moments of stubborness. I also didn't spend enough time playing with him and loving on him. I thought I had more time. I took him for granted. The little things that have changed since his passing seem so much bigger to me. He was a bigger part of my life than I realized. He generally just laid around the house but he was a big part of this family. And now that he's gone I realize the significance of his presence was much bigger than I realized. Yet another thing I learned is that Emily is quite intuitive. On Saturday morning before I knew his fate, I was sitting there bummed because I wanted to know where he was. I hadn't mentioned him to Emily or anything. But she looked at me and said "you sad because you miss Jack?" She knew. I also learned that even though God allowed him to be taken from us he also protected us. He protected us from having to drive by the spot that Jack was hit. He was hit on a road we rarely go down. I am so glad we don't have to drive that way. He also answered one of our prayers by allowing our neighbor to spot him and allowing us to bury him here. I knew Jack was gone before he was discovered so I didn't pray that he was okay because I knew he wasn't. But I did pray that he would go peacefully and that he would be found. In a way both prayers were answered. If he went quickly, then I guess he went peacefully. The last thing I learned is that my husband is awesome. He was brave enough to look inside that box, he was sensitive enough to advise me not to, he was strong enough to dig a grave (and in the cold rain on top of that), and brave enough to let his tears flow. Men have been told not to cry but sometimes they have to. If they want to deal with the grief, they have to. I was proud of him for not bottling it up. Though it hurt me to see him that sad it also brought relief because I knew he needed to let it out. We stared at a box containing our beloved boy and we wept. He was then laid to rest. This morning, when I looked out at the place he was buried I said hello to him and goodnight to him tonight. At first I was bummed to know I would have to see his gravesite anytime I took Mattie outside but now I'm glad I can look out and see where he is (well, his body anyway). I now know loss at a deeper level. Though I hate it, I know it will help me grow. I know that I need that. I wish it wasn't through the loss of my Jack but it's not up to me. I am blessed with a wonderful family and in so many other ways. I am also blessed to have known such a wonderful dog. He will forever be loved and missed.